I’m only 32 and I feel like I’ve experienced the whole gamut of food wars. Undereating. Overeating. Binging. Juicing. Cleansing. Detoxing. The Master Clease! Do you remember the Master Cleanse?!?
When I was at my smallest, I’d pinch the teeny tiny bits of excess skin and obsess over my fat. I’d go on liquid diets and try to eliminate every last ounce of imperfection in my body.
My eating habits were mostly healthy; I splurged on the weekly chili cheese fries and had a slice or two of pizza on the regular, but for the most part my meals were prepped, my snacks were made and I ate 4 small balanced meals a day. Yet still, my body image was like a yo-yo. One day I felt like I had too much muscle and the next day I had too much fat; but the truth of the matter was that I looked great!
After getting married I let go of the ideas of perfection that kept me bound and began to enjoy life. I went on date nights and didn’t think about how much fat was in my meal, I started drinking wine with dinner, eating dessert and loving every morsel.
But before I knew it, the foods became richer, the portions became larger, and the yo-yo started all over again.
At 5’3 143lbs I felt like I had completely let myself go and something drastic had to be done.I had the perfect idea: a bikini competition! Eight weeks of focused workouts and a strict meal plan would surely do me good!
So I hired a coach, started training and a couple weeks later, in set the misery. The extreme caloric deficit in my diet and two a day workouts started to take a toll on me. I was tired, weak, exhausted, irritable, and undernourished. But I saw the results I wanted to I stuck with it. I started to see my abs come back, and my thighs beginning to look leaner, and the battle between vanity and sanity begin.
I knew that I couldn’t sustain living like this for long, but I was just starting to look good again. I went shopping and bought jeans in my happy size.
Two weeks out from my show, my best friend went missing in the middle of New York City. Friends, family and news stations were calling me and all the commotion and chaos had me worried and stress so I caved in and ate my feelings, I went for the cookies. I ate my little heart out, and then washed my feelings down with some wine. The next day I was so ashamed.
After the brutality of my second training session for the day I was over the whole thing. I quit competition prep, stopped working out and focused all my attention on my clients. I crammed my schedule full until there was no time in the day for myself.
I slowly began to gain back healthy weight but then cruised right on past my happy weight: instead of making a change to my lifestyle, I started buying bigger clothes. More leggings, shawls, ponchos, scarves and for a while; I got away with it. My guilt, shame and insecurity was being silenced by the comfort of food. Eating until I was so full I could barely move. It’s like I became a shell of myself; and I was just eating because I didn’t know what else to do.
On December 17th 2018 I had an epiphany.
For the first time in my life, at the BIGGEST I’d ever been, I finally realized that I am not my body.
A little louder for those of you who need to hear it...
YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY.
No matter where you are on your journey right now, embrace where you are! You are alive and well with choices to make that will either bring you closer to joy or farther away.
Don’t ever look at someone and assume they because they look good on the gram they don’t have real life struggles. I’m a trainer and there are seasons where I need a trainer and a nutrition coach too!
I choose to take care of my body because I love it, not because I hate it. My body is a sacred temple and it’s the only vessel I get while I’m here on earth.
Healthy starts here.
Not obsessing over appearances but investing in a lifestyle that bring joy to you and glory to God.
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